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1. I look at people sometimes and think… Really??? That’s the sperm that won.
2. I want to go on a shopping trip where I am the only one in the shopping mall and everything I want is free.
3. “Ladies first” was probably invented by a dude who enjoyed admiring women from behind.
4. So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.
5. When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more often.
6. My goal in life isn’t to become famous or powerful…it’s to make enough money to eat whatever I want.
7. My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend.
8. I’m slowly becoming more unable to fit my hand into a pringles can… is this what growing up feels like?
9. Sometimes I forget how I did things without a smart phone like get directions, find recipes or have insomnia.
10. Nothing like trying to study to make you realize how cool the ceiling looks.
11. I don’t know what’s worse – getting in the shower or getting out?
12. I will marry the girl, who look pretty in her Adhaar card.
13. That awkward moment when people start stuff on your Facebook status and you just don’t want to get involved.
14. I love food and sleep. If I give you a bit of food or text you all night, that means something.
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15. Have you ever just looked at someone and automatically felt annoyed?
16. Diets are hard because I get hungry.
17. You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.
18. You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
19. It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a shit.
20. I TRUST a lot of people not to kill me every day.
21. I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.
22. Some people should just give up at engineering or medical. Like I have!
23. We live in the era of smartphones and stupid peoples.
24. Doing nothing is very hard thing to do…you never know when to finish.
25. I love my job only when I’m on vacation.
26. AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.
27. Just saw the most smartest person when I was in front of the mirror.
28. God is really creative, I mean…just look at me 😛
29. My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours
30. I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy saving mode.
31. Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one ass hole at a time.
32. God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
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33. Whenever i have a problem, I just sing, Then i realize my voice is worse than my problem.
34. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
35. Women should not have children after 20. Really… 20 children are enough.
36. That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
37. If you can’t Change a Girl…..Change the Girl.
38. When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
39. I think my iPhone is not working. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
40. I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.
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41. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
42. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
43. We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.
44. Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
45. life is short…smile while you still have teeth.
46. People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason.
47. I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.
48. Car headlights should flash at the same time the horn is pressed to alert people with hearing difficulties.
49. 500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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50. When two people are arguing and one person says “You know what…” , that argument is about to get awesome!
51. We all know that one dude who’s existence just pisses us off.
52. My heart says hamburger but my jeans say salad.
53. There is no “i” in team…there is however an “i” in ‘win’, ‘achievement’, ‘prevail’, ‘triumph’, ‘first place’, ‘gold medalist’ and ‘champion’.
54. You don’t kill time, times kills you.
55. Asking if I’m hungry is like asking if I want money. The answer is always YES.
56. Life is short. Buy the damn shoes.
57. You live with what you tolerate.
58. True friends are those who have nice things to say about you behind your back.
59. Just because I find you attractive doesn’t mean I like you. You’re appealing to my eyes, not my heart or mind. It is not that deep.
60. I’m actually the meanest person when I’m stressed. I would literally yell shut up to anything that is making noise.
61. “F#%K It.” – my final thought before making most decisions.
62. Hang on, let me overthink this.
63. I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
64. 7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
65. There’s no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.
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66. Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.
67. If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
68. My boyfriend asked me for anal so I colour coordinated his sock drawer. I know what men want.
69. Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.
70. My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
71. Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.
72. Behind every crazy women is a man who made her that way.
73. Beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful.
74. Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.
75. Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
76. Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
77. I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
78. My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
79. Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
80. I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
81. Facebook is the refrigerator of the internet. I keep going back to it expecting something to appear that I’ll enjoy.
82. Don’t jump to confusions.
83. When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
84. “I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional
85. I’m having trouble telling if it’s killing me or making me stronger.
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86. Be f#%king polite. Please.
87. Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.
88. Stop looking for trouble. I’m right here.
89. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
90. Sure, your prince might come. But just in case he doesn’t, God created wine.
91. Few things turn me on like good grammar.
92. No one is ever “just kidding”.
93. Aaaaand I’m already over this day.
94. Never let anyone tell you you’re too young to do something. A baby shark is still a f#%king shark.
95. I like my coffee like I like my oxygen – CONSTANT.
96. You’re ridiculous. Want to be best friends?
97. I’m happy as long as I’m not hungry.
98. I feel bad for the people who change their birthday for April Fools Day and then their mom wishes them Happy Birthday 🙂
99. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
100. Did anyone else get the email about them canceling school next week?